Frank: Blue! Do you trust I don't want to see you die here tonight?
Blue: Sir, yes sir.
Frank: Blue! You're my boy!

     --------------------------------

Wedding Singer: [singing] Fuckin' every now and then I fall apart and I need you now tonight. I fuckin' need you more than ever.

     --------------------------------

Frank: I see Blue, He look's glorious!

     --------------------------------

Frank: A little housewarming gift.
Mitch: I actually gave this to you for your wedding.
Frank: This model?
Mitch: That exact one.

     --------------------------------

Frank: Are you sure you're ok with this, Blue?
Blue: Just ring the fucking bell, you pansy. 
     --------------------------------

Frank: That's how you do it! That's how you debate!

Beanie: Well, let me be the first to say congratulations to you man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart man.

     --------------------------------

Waiter: Love, it's a mother fucker, eh?

     --------------------------------

Beanie: CHEEEEESE, didnt we lock in the dumpster once.

Dean Pritchard: Yea, well I got out.

Beanie: Good

Mitch: Glad you did.

 

 

Shooter: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!
Happy Gilmore: [laughing] you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter: No!.... I....!

     --------------------------------

Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep.
Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma.

     -------------------------------- 

     -------------------------------- 

Chubbs: Golf requires concentration and focus.
Happy Gilmore: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge ass.
Chubbs: I'll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn't have a shot at joining the pro tour, and winning the championships. Get that gold jacket like I never got.
Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?

     -------------------------------- 

Donald: Hey Gilmore, you suck ya jackass!

     -------------------------------- 

 

 

Mr. Garrison: Sorry kids, I just can't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

     -------------------------------- 

Terrence: You're such a pig-fucker, Phillip!
Phillip: Terrance, why would you call me a pig-fucker?
Terrence: Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.
Phillip: Oh yeah!

     -------------------------------- 

[Demonstrating a "V-Chip" planted into Cartman]
Dr. Vosknocker: Now, I want you to say "doggy".
Cartman: Doggy.
Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Notice, that nothing happens.
[to Cartman]
Dr. Vosknocker: Now, say "montana".
Cartman: Montana.
Dr. Vosknocker: Good. Now, "pillow".
Cartman: Pillow.
Dr. Vosknocker: Alright. Now I want you to say "horse fucker".
Mrs. Cartman: Go on, honey. It's alright.
Cartman: Horse fu--
[gets shocked by the V-chip]
Cartman: That hurts, god damn it!
[gets shocked again]
Dr. Vosknocker: Now I want you to say "big floppy donkey dick".
Cartman: No!
Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Success! The child doesn't want to swear!
Cartman: This isn't fair, you sons of bi--
[gets shocked repeatedly]

     -------------------------------- 

Cartman: Kyle, all those times I called you a stupid Jew, I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew.
Kyle: Yes I am, Cartman! I *am* a Jew!
Cartman: No, no, don't be so hard on yourself.

     -------------------------------- 

Cartman: Hey dudes!
Kyle: What's the matter Cartman?
Cartman: It's this V-Chip, I hate it! I can't say any dirty words
Kyle: Really? So you can't say Fuck?
Cartman: No!
Kyle: And you can't say Shit?
Cartman: No!
Kyle: So you can't say I'm Eric Cartman the Fattest fucking piece of Shit in the world?
Cartman: FUCK YOU!
[gets shocked by the V-chip]
Cartman: AHHH!!!
Kyle: Ewwww... Sweet!

     -------------------------------- 

The Mole:Sheet... Sheet... I hate ze fuckin gaurd dogs.

 

 

Joseph R. Cooper: Hey pigfucker, can I call you pigfucker?
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No, only my friends can call me pigfucker.

---

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Your bed is over here.
[indicates a dog bed]
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Dude, that is so fuckin' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?
Joseph R. Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Yeah I could.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No. Dude, you're a little bitch!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.
Joseph R. Cooper: 'Cause you're a piece of shit.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, but you're a little bitch.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!

     -------------------------------- 

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Listen to me little bitch! You either go out there and make that shot or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fuckin' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!

 

 

Thorny: It stinks like sex in here!

     -------------------------------- 

Farva: Say car Ram-Rod!

     -------------------------------- 

Thorny: Who wants a mustache ride?

German Guy: OO I do I do!

     -------------------------------- 

Captain O'Hagan: [In an Irish accent] I'll believe ya when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.

 

 

Blue Stanton: Does the term "cruel and unusual punishment" mean anything to you?!

     -------------------------------- 

Coach Boone: Gary, if you want to play on this football team, you answer me when I ask you who's your Daddy. Who's your Daddy, Gary? Who's your Daddy?
Bertier: [softly] You

Coach Boone: And whos team is this. Is this your team or is this your daddy's team.

Bertier: [softly] Your team.

     -------------------------------- 

Petey Jones: Hey, hey, Lastik man what happened to you?
Louie Lastik: [holding back, in fake pain] Man I just gave your momma a piggy-back ride and she weighs twice as much as I do!
Petey Jones: That ain't funny!

Bertier: Now that's a momma joke.

     -------------------------------- 

Blue Stanton: From now on the Titans are be runned by soul power. [singing] He said a soul power.

     -------------------------------- 

Petey Jones: Black hand side, black hand side

     -------------------------------- 

Bertier: What kinda power you got?

Julius Cambell: Boy you now i got some soul power.

Bertier: What kinda power you got?
Julius Cambell: Now you now i got some soul power. Let me ask you a question, How strong are you?

Bertier: I'm too Strong.

Julius Cambell: How strong are you?

Bertier: I'm too Strong.

 

 

Bob Slydell: I'll be honest with you, I love his music, I do, I'm a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, it doesn't get any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman"! 
     --------------------------------

Tom Smykowski: It's a "Jump to Conclusions Mat"! You see, you have this mat, with different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO!
Michael Bolton: That is the worst idea I've ever heard!
Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea!

     --------------------------------

Peter Gibbons: What if we're still doin' this when we're 50?
Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I'm gonna end up doin' it, because, uh...
[nods]
Peter Gibbons: because I'm a big pussy...which is why I work at Initech to begin with.
Michael Bolton: Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a pussy, OK?
Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy. 
     --------------------------------

Bob Slydell: What would you say ya do here?
Tom Smykowski: Well look, I already told you! I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don't have to! I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can't you understand that?! What the hell is wrong with you people?! 
     --------------------------------

Lawrence: Hey Peter, check it out, channel 9, it's the breast exams!

     --------------------------------

Samir: No, not again! I...why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window!

     --------------------------------

Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: What about you, what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I'd relax, sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit. 
     --------------------------------

Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Na-ee-ana-jad. Nayanajaad.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it...until that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm...well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

     --------------------------------

Joanna: So, where do you work, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Initech.
Joanna: In-yeah, what do you do there?
Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
Joanna: What's that?
Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits instead of four. So like 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh...it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nah-uh. Not really. Uh...I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: An hour ago...so you're gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...
Peter Gibbons: You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.

     --------------------------------

Bob Slydell: If you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door--that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh--after that I sorta space out for an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work. 
     --------------------------------

Michael Bolton: We're not going to some white collar resort prison. No, no, no! We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison!

     --------------------------------

Peter Gibbons: Lawrence, you awake?
Lawrence: Yeah.
Peter Gibbons: You wanna come over?
Lawrence: No, thanks, man. I don't want you fucking up my life, too.

     --------------------------------

Peter Gibbons: It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care

     --------------------------------

Milton Waddams: [talking on the phone)] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and its not okay because if they take my stapler then ill set the building on fire.

Peggy: Now Milton, don't be greedy, lets pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
Milton Waddams: yea but last time I didn't receive a piece.
Peggy: Just pass.
[the cake passes and everybody but Milton gets a piece]
Milton Waddams: [whispering] I could set the building on fire.

     --------------------------------

Bob Porter: We'll be getting rid of these people here...First, Mr. Samir Naga...Naga...Naga...Not gonna work here anymore, anyway!

     --------------------------------

Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday, and you're not feelin' real well, does anyone ever say to you, 'Sounds like a case of the Mondays'?
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man! I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man!

 

 

     --------------------------------

Brian: Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Haagen-Das ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make smores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.
Kenny Davis: That's it?

Thurgood Jenkins: Yeah, one more thing. Remember that stuff? We used to eat a whole lot of it back in the day? What was it... oh yeah, pussy.

     --------------------------------

Thurgood Jenkins: I got some bootie! I got some bootie! It was good, too. 
     --------------------------------

Thurgood Jenkins: Don't get me wrong, I love weed. I LOVE IT! But there's nothing that I love more than pussy

     --------------------------------

Thurgood Jenkins: Oh my goodness! Now that is a titty! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout! 
     --------------------------------

Kenny Davis: You guys gotta get me out of here! There's this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch! 

     --------------------------------

Squirrel Master: Back up Nasty Nate, this my bitch!
Nasty Nate: Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail....FRUIT!
Kenny: Here take it!
[walks away with Squirrel Master]
Kenny: I'm somebody's bitch! 
     --------------------------------

Kenny Davis: No. NO. NO!! Devil man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love!

     --------------------------------

Cocaine Addict: Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana? 
     --------------------------------

Enhancement Smoker: You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some crazy shit, man. There's a dude in the bushes. Has he got a gun? I dunno! RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO.

     --------------------------------

Brian: First of all to understand what happened to killer, you gotta understand who killer the dog was. Now killer was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. He was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he's a small time gun runner and a rotweiler fight promoter. So he puts killer into training. They see killer's good. He is damn good. But then he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother nibbles. And killer said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight nibbles" but they made him fight anyway, and killer, he killed nibbles. Killer said "that's it!" he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out. Then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart no longer beat. wow.
Thurgood Jenkins: You know uh, I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but you two smoke entirely too much reefer.
     --------------------------------

Thurgood Jenkins: I be from Jamaica, mon.
Samson Simpson: What part of Jamaica?
Thurgood Jenkins: Right near the beach, boy! 

 

 

Benny: Anyone who wants to be a can't-hack-it pantywaist who wears their mama's bra, raise your hand.

     --------------------------------

Squints: It's about time Benny, my clothes are goin' outa style. 
     --------------------------------

"The Babe": Heros get remembered, but legends never die. Follow your heart, kid, and you'll never go wrong. 
     --------------------------------

Benny: Got a fireplace?
Scotty Smalls: Yeah.
Benny: Throw that in there, man.

     --------------------------------

Ham Porter: You're killing me Smalls!

     --------------------------------

Ham Porter: C'mon Benny, I'm bakin' like a toasted cheeser!

     --------------------------------    

Phillips: It's easy when you play with rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez.
Benny: Shut your mouth, Phillips!
Ham Porter: What'd you say, crap face?!
Phillips: You shouldn't be allowed to touch a baseball. Except for Rodriguez, you're all an insult to the game.
Ham Porter: Come on! We'll take you on, right here! Right now! Come on!
Sandlot Kids: Yeah!
Phillips: We play on a real diamond, Porter. You ain't good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats.
Ham Porter: Watch it, jerk!
Phillips: Shut up, idiot!
Ham Porter: Moron!
Phillips: Scab eater!
Ham Porter: Butt sniffer!
Phillips: Pus licker!
Ham Porter: Fart smeller!
Bertram: [sniffs] Ahh.
Phillips: You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek!
Ham Porter: You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam!
Sandlot Kids: Yeah!
Phillips: You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it!
Ham Porter: You play ball like a girl!

Phillips: What did you say?
Ham Porter: You heard me.

Phillips: Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there, buffalo butt breath.
Ham Porter: Count on it, pee-drinking crap face!

     --------------------------------

Ham Porter: You know, if my dog were as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards.

     --------------------------------

Smalls: Oh yeah, the Great Bambino. Of course! I thought you said the Great Bambi.
Ham Porter: That wimpy deer?
Smalls: Yeah, I guess. Sorry.

     --------------------------------

Squints: Where did your old man get that ball?
Smalls: I don't know. Some lady gave it to him. She even signed her name on it... Ruth. Baby Ruth.
All: BABE RUTH?!

     --------------------------------

Ham Porter: Benny, why'd you bring that kid?
Benny: Because he makes nine of us.
Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, so does my sister, but I didn't bring her along! 
     --------------------------------

     --------------------------------

Ham Porter: Do you want a s'more?

Smalls:S'more of what?

Ham Porter: No, do you want a s'more?

Smalls:I haven't had anything yet, how can I have s'more of nothing?

Ham Porter: You're killing me Smalls!

     --------------------------------

Squints: FOREVER... FOREVER... FOREVER

     --------------------------------

Ham Porter: Is that your sister out there in left field? naked... she's naked. think she'd go out with me?

     --------------------------------

Squints: The kid's a square. An L-7 weinie!

Ya-Ya: Ya, ya Oscar Meyer even. Footlong!

Benny: What are you laughing at Ya-Ya? You run like a duck.

Ya-Ya: Kay kay but I'm...I'm--

Benny: Part of the game, right?

Ya-Ya: Mmm, yeah. Benny: So how come he don't get to be? Others: Cause he's the geek, man, he can't catch.

Benny: Man, base up you blockheads!

     --------------------------------

Squints: I've come here every summer of my adult life, and there she is lotioning and oiling, oiling and lotioning. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!.

 

 

Melissa: Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.
Ace Ventura: Pleasure to meet you.
Melissa: Did you have any trouble getting in?
Ace Ventura: No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle. 
     --------------------------------

Dan Marino: Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum?
Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs. 
     --------------------------------

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer!

     --------------------------------

Mrs. Finkle: If he had held the ball laces out like he's supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell!

     --------------------------------

Ace Ventura: I have a package for you, sir.
Man: Sounds broken.
Ace Ventura: Most likely; I bet it was something nice, though!

     --------------------------------

Ace Ventura: Yo, Ron! Where's the bathroom?
Ronald Camp: Right over there.
Ace Ventura: [groaning] I think it's the pate. Stuff probably looks better on the way out!

     --------------------------------

Ace Ventura: Warning! Assholes are closer than they appear!

     --------------------------------

Ace Ventura: I just visited Ray Finkle's place.
Melissa: And?
Ace Ventura: Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lecter

     --------------------------------

Melissa: You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.
Ace Ventura: Oh yeah? And you're ugly.

     --------------------------------

Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.

     --------------------------------

Ace Ventura: I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
[A shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head.]
Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts.

     --------------------------------

Lois Einhorn: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone!
Ace Ventura: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.

     --------------------------------

Woodstock: What's the password?
Ace Ventura: New England clam chowder.
Woodstock: Is that the red or the white?
Ace Ventura: Ah, I can never remember that. White.
[Door opens]
Ace Ventura: Yes

     --------------------------------

Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa!
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else. 
     --------------------------------

Ace Ventura: [begging] Please don't kill me. I'll never tell anyone. Kill him, he's the one you want!
Dan Marino: No, no kill him!
Ace Ventura: No kill him! He held the ball wrong, remember? Come on, look at the guy!
[Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air.]
Dan Marino: Whimp.
Ace Ventura: Jock.
Dan Marino: Cry-baby.
Ace Ventura: Muscle-head.
Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP!!!

     --------------------------------

Ace Ventura: [bending over and talking from his behind] Excuse me, may I... ASS you a few questions?
Emilio: This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn catches me talking to you or your ass I'm gonna be in trouble.

     --------------------------------

Ace Ventura: Holy testicle Tuesday! 

 

 

Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard Hayden: Well, I should hope so, because i'm laying it on pretty thick.
ass I'm gonna be in trouble.

     --------------------------------

Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why do they put a guarantee on a box? Hmm, very interesting.
Ted: I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's how I see it. A guy puts a guarantee on the box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
Ted: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Ya think if you leave that box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter.
Ted: What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy, but we're not buying it. Next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.
Ted: But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?
Tommy: Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality item from me.
Ted: Hmm. Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well I...What? 
     --------------------------------

Tommy: I called.
Richard Hayden: Oh, yeah? What number did you dial?
Tommy: three , seven , six, niner, five, two.....
Richard Hayden: You're kinda trailin' off there. And did I catch a "niner" in there? What were you calling from, a walkie talkie?
Tommy: It was a cordless.
Richard Hayden: You know what? Not here, not now. 
     --------------------------------

Tommy: Where are we gonna take the deer?
Richard Hayden: I dunno, the vet?
Tommy: You take dead animals to the vet?
Richard Hayden: Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
Tommy: Yeah I'll take you to the...Um...
Richard Hayden: Got that?
Tommy: Shut up. 
     --------------------------------

Richard Hayden: I can practically hear you getting fatter! 
     --------------------------------

Michelle: Listen you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!

     --------------------------------

Richard Hayden: Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value!
Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard Hayden: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy: Your...Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard Hayden: Are you talking?
Tommy: Shut up, Richard.

     --------------------------------

Richard Hayden: Housekeeping, you want fresh towel?

Tommy:  No towel need sleepy

Richard Hayden: Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?
Tommy: Please go away let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?
Tommy: What kind of hotel is this?
[Opens door]
Tommy: Who the hell are...Oh it's you.
Richard Hayden: Good morning, Sunshine.

     --------------------------------

Tommy: If I wanted a kiss I'd call your mother.

     --------------------------------

Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard Hayden: No, your face does.

     --------------------------------

Tommy: Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.
Paul: Does it make a difference?
Tommy: Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?
Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is.
Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh! She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.
Paul: And?
Tommy: They fall over, hee, hee, hee.
Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?
Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas. 
     --------------------------------

Ray Zalinsky: Ted, send over a bucket of ice with a bottle of champagne. Have the card read, "Tough luck, use the bucket to ice down your marbles, get drunk on me, signed Z." 
     --------------------------------

Richard Hayden: Okay, it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...?
Tommy: No shit from anyone!
Richard Hayden: No.
Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners!
Richard Hayden: We don't take no for answer.
Tommy: Right!

     --------------------------------

Richard Hayden: And, the life vests, these you might need. But my money isn't gonna be on a lake, it's gonna be a mountain.

     --------------------------------

Richard Hayden: Ok, here is Tommy, he's gonna help me with my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio and he's never been laid.

     --------------------------------

Richard Hayden: Mommy, mommy, the Rhino's getting to close to the car!
Tommy: Him to afraid to get out, he's just a little guy.
Richard Hayden: All right, that's it, you're goin' down now fat boy.
Tommy: Hey, boys and girls, it's poppa smurf

     --------------------------------

Tommy: Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?
Richard Hayden: Okay let's get some shut eye!
Tommy: Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?

Tommy: Hey that's a cute girl out there i wonder if she dates one of the YANKEES!

     --------------------------------

Tommy: Huh, huh, it's a clip-on
Richard Hayden: Are you sure?

     --------------------------------

Tommy: Hey, What's your name?
Waitress: Helen.
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, were both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into some guys office and let's say hes even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. The pet is my possible sale. Oh , my pretty little pet, I love you. So I stroke it, and I pet it, and I massage it, hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, your naughty! Then I take my naughty pet and I go ( makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll) Uuuuuuh! I killed it! I killed my sale! That's when I blow it. That's when people like us gotta forge ahead Helen, am I right?
Helen: God your sick." 
     --------------------------------

Richard Hayden: Wasn't it you that changed the oil today when we filled up?
Tommy: If you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I put in 10-40. Besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard Hayden: True. But you can't latch the hood on too well, if you don't take the can out, you no-selling waste of space! I swear to God, you're worthless!

     --------------------------------

Paul: You eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy: Ha ha ha, why?

     --------------------------------

Tommy: Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug!

     --------------------------------

Richard Hayden: I need your John Hancock.
[Tommy Boy scoffs]
Tommy: It's HERBIE Hancock!

     --------------------------------

Richard Hayden: What did I say about eating in the car anyways?
Tommy: It's not good cause it spoils your dinner? 
     --------------------------------

Richard Hayden: What is the carrying charge for our warehouse?
Tommy: Geez, I knew this one. Uhhhhhhh.
Richard Hayden: One and a...
Tommy: ...half percent. I knew that! Why can't I remember it?
Richard Hayden: Try an association such as; Let's say the average person uses ten percent of his brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is filled with malted hops and bong resin

     --------------------------------

Richard Hayden: Okay...seatbelts! Just put the little thing into the big thing and...I tell ya what! If you don't know how to fasten your seatbelt, just raise your hand and I'll have Tommy Boy here come back there and hit you in the head with a tack hammer because you're a RETARD!

 

 

Steve: This is great I never win at checkers.
Mike Donnelly: Well, it's kinda easy to win when you NEVER MOVE YOUR BACK ROW!

     --------------------------------

Mike Donnelly: I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants.
Steve: We didn't have any chocolate pudding.

     --------------------------------

Motorcycle Cop: Tell me, officer, do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Mike Donnelly: Well, I got a 426 hemi here, 3/4 cams, nitro boosters, I can get 'er up to as good as 155! Never do, though, of course, unless I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I guess I was goin' about... 65, tops.
State Trooper: SEVEN! SEVEN miles an hour! And normally, when I stop people, they pull onto the *shoulder*! 
     --------------------------------

Drake Sabitch: I'm not far from dragging you out of the car and beating you to dust.
Steve Dodds: You should work up to that, kinda leaves you nowhere to go.

     --------------------------------

Old lady: Dream on, you little fart. 
     --------------------------------

Mike Donnelly: Voting kicks ass right!!! Cause, uh, if voting kicks ass, you got some kick ass shit!!!!!   

    --------------------------------

Steve: [on Drake Sabitch] This guy is like Leatherface, Chucky and Jan Brady all rolled into one.

    --------------------------------

Mike Donnelly: That's one small step for man!! One giant...I have a dream!!!

    --------------------------------

Mike Donnelly: [Dressed as security guard] Please move away from this vector and get into another coordinate pronto. There's no access for you in this quadrant.

    --------------------------------

Mike Donnelly: What the hell was that?
Steve: A chunk in the road or something.
Mike Donnelly: I just chunked in my pants. 
    --------------------------------

Mike Donnelly: And so he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!"

    --------------------------------

Cop: Could you take him through here a little faster than seven miles per hour, Officer...
Mike Donnelly: Meoff, Jack.
[Turns to Steve and mouths: "Jack Meoff".]

 

 

Jam: Hey what's up mom? I'm gonna ask you this nicely first. Can i have my drumsticks back?
Mrs. Bruce: Your drumsticks are the least of your worries young man. You ran out on God! You are in a world of-
Jam: TROUBLE! I've been in trouble for the past 12 hours! HELLO? You know I'm going to be in St. Bernards Boarding School for the next 2 years. I'm gonna be out of your hair until I'm a legal adult! And then all YOU have to do is pray to some stupid little statue for me and all is forgiven and forgotten. Then you can spend your days in a guilt free pursuit of more constructive activities like telling people how screwed up they're lives are. And then you no longer need the patience and understanding required to talk to your own son on a normal plain. And then that way you don't have to think about how tough it was for you when you were growing up and its a good thing too cause if you did, you'd realize that your a lousy, goddam shitty-ass parent you are.
Mrs. Bruce: Jeremiah what has gotten into you?
Jam: I JUST LOST MY VERGINITY IN A CONFESSINAL BOOTH! LORD HAVE MERCY! Now for the last time, mom, give me back my fucking drumsticks.....please.

      --------------------------------

Trip: Fuck, it's Elvis! 
      --------------------------------

Christine: Hey, you know what? Disco's so fucking big right now, I wouldn't be suprised if KISS did a disco song.
Lex: Man, if there's one thing KISS will never do, it is a bullshit disco song.
Jam: No shit man!
Trip: Yeah man. Disco blows dogs for quarters man! 
      --------------------------------

Trip: Man, this is way better than the first time I got to finger a chick, man.

      --------------------------------

Lex: Man I've never heard a girl blow ass before!

      --------------------------------

Lex: Man, I was afraid some bullshit like this was gonna happen. If Jam misses Peter Criss' drum solo, he won't be able to continue with his fucking life!
Hawk: Lex! Quit Jynxing us man! No one is missing that concert tomorrow night!

      --------------------------------

Hawk: Well, as they say in the Tampon biz, see you next period. 
      --------------------------------

Lex: Just because she's a female gynecologist, that doesn't she's a lesbian. And even if she was, at least my mom didn't give birth to me while she was on LSD.
Trip: Shrooms! 
      --------------------------------

Lex: Mrs. Bruce is a psycho bitch from Hell.

      --------------------------------

Jam: She was changing right over me when I wa changing for Fuck sake. It's a give and take relationship.
Lex: Yeah, she gives you shit and you take it!

      --------------------------------

Lex: Take it easy man. This is the girls crapper, remember?
Trip: Aw, wake up Lex! We just watched Jam's mom torch our fucking KISS tickets man! Not REO Speedwagon, not Journey, not The Baycity Rollers. KISS, man! If you can think of a better reason to trash a girl's bathroom I'd sure like to hear it.

      --------------------------------

Hawk: Only a bunch of Guidos and Stellas would ride your ass on a two lane highway and honk.

 

 

      --------------------------------

Master Betty: I have been called bad before. Many have said I do things that are not correct to do. I don't believe in talk such as this. I am nice man, with happy feelings. All of the time. First, a joke. What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee chord? My ass. Nyah, haha, haha, haha, ENOUGH!! 
      --------------------------------

The Chosen One: You have helped me reach the next level. And here I was starting to think you were just a sadistic psycho bitch.

      --------------------------------

Wimp Lo: I see the way you look at him. I'm a man, too, you know? I go pee pee standing up!

      --------------------------------

Master Betty: Shirt ripper!

      --------------------------------

      --------------------------------

Master Betty: Hmmm, yes, a tiny net is a death sentence. It's a net, and it's tiny! 
      --------------------------------

The Chosen One: I'll take a pound of nuts.
Shop Keeper: That's a lot of nuts!

      --------------------------------     

Master Tang: I know you seek The Chosen One. And I know what you did to his family.
[begins coughing]
Master Tang: And now, I'm going to beat you up.
Master Betty: Do you need a glass of water, or something? Geez, at least cover your mouth. We're all going to catch it!

      --------------------------------

Ling: Please, stop! Wimp Lo sucks as a fighter, a child could beat him!
The Chosen One: Well, I'm gonna count to three, and if I hear one more friggin' squeak, I'm gonna take his shoes, and shove em' up his...

      --------------------------------

      --------------------------------

The Chosen One: Killing is wrong. And bad. There should be a new, stronger word for killing. Like badwrong, or badong. Yes, killing is badong. From this moment, I will stand for the opposite of killing: gnodab.

      --------------------------------

Mushoofasa: This is CNN. 
      --------------------------------

Master Betty: When you girls are done kissing, I've got some ass kicking for you!!

      --------------------------------

Wimp Lo: Take a close look. 'Cause I rule, baby!
The Chosen One: And who do you rule, the large-dark-nipple people?

      --------------------------------

The Chosen One: But that would just look stupid and leave my small, sensitive balls exposed.

Master Doe: I have a mortal wound!
Master Tang: Where? Where does it hurt?
Master Doe: Oh, pretty much around the big bloody spot. 
      --------------------------------

Narrator: Crap man! You don't see that every day. I mean that doesn't seem possible with all those body organs and cartilage and bones. I mean I'm no doctor but that was like one clean chunk!

      --------------------------------

Narrator: At that moment the Chosen One learned a valuable lesson. The iron claws hurt like crap, man!

      --------------------------------

Wimp Lo: My nipples look like Milk Duds!

      --------------------------------

Students: [singing] We are both ventriloquists, ventriloquists, ventriloquists, we are both ventriloquists and we practice every day!
Student 1: He carries the baskets!
Student 2: He carries the paper roll!
Students: And we don't have cysts! But one thing is for sure my friends, we are ventriloquists!

      --------------------------------

Master Tang: Chicken go cluck-cluck, cow go moo! Piggie go oink-oink, how bout you?

      --------------------------------

 

 

      --------------------------------

Vinny Gambini: Hey Stan, you're in Ala-Fuckin-Bama. You come from New York. You killed a good old boy. There is no way this is not going to trial.

      --------------------------------

Vinny Gambini: I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for two hundred dollars, which she won. I'm here to collect.
J.T.: How 'bout I just kick your ass.
Vinny Gambini: Oh a counter offer. That's what we lawyers, I'm a lawyer... we lawyers call that a counter offer. This is a tough decision you give me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be perfectly honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
J.T.: Over my dead body.
Vinny Gambini: You like to renegotiate as you go along, don't you? Well here's my counter offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever loving shit out of you?
J.T.: YOU kick the shit outta ME...in your dreams.
Vinny Gambini: Oh no no... in reality. If I kick the shit out of you, do I get the money?

      --------------------------------

      --------------------------------

Vinny Gambini: I'd like permission to treat the witness as hostile, your honor.
Lisa: You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Well, that would explain the hostility.

      --------------------------------

Vinny Gambini: What are you wearing?
Mona Lisa Vito: What?
Vinny Gambini: You look like a fuckin' tourist.
Mona Lisa Vito: What about you?
Vinny Gambini: I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.
Mona Lisa Vito: Oh yeah, you blend.

      --------------------------------

Vinny Gambini: Yeah, everything that guy just said is bullshit ... Thank you.
D.A. Jim Trotter: Objection.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement, with the exception of 'Thank you' will be stricken from the record.

      --------------------------------

Judge Chamberlain Haller: The next words out of your mouth better be guilty or not guilty. I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than guilty or not guilty, you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat. Now how do your clients plead?
Vinny Gambini: I think I get the point.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: No, I don't think you do.

      --------------------------------

Vinny Gambini: Holy shit! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE CASE CRACKER! ME IN THE SHOWER!

      --------------------------------

Vinny Gambini: I got thirty fucking minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the fucking courthouse.
Lisa: You fucking shower, I'll get your fucking suit.

      --------------------------------

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?
Vinny Gambini: You were serious about that?

      --------------------------------

Vinny Gambini: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other. Heh he.
[Stan tries to get up]
Vinny Gambini: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Stan: Gee thanks!
Vinny Gambini: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
Stan: You think I should be grateful?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees.
Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny Gambini: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little fuck.
Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny Gambini: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny Gambini: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
[Wakes up Bill]
Bill: Vinny! Vinny bag'o donuts!

      --------------------------------

Vinny Gambini: I'm doing a favor here. You're getting me for nothing, you little fuck. 
      --------------------------------

Bill: We should get tuna.
Stan: Please no more tuna.
Bill: It has protein, we need protein.
Stan: Beans have protein.
Bill: Beans make you fart.
Stan: We got a convertible.

      --------------------------------

      --------------------------------

Vinny Gambini: I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it's covered in mud. This town doesn't have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it's either wear the leather jacket which I know you hate, or this. So I wore this ridiculous thing for you.

      --------------------------------

Judge Chamberlain Haller: I don't like your attitude.
Vinny Gambini: So what else is new?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: I'm holding you in contempt of court.
Vinny Gambini: [To Bill] Now there's a fucking surprise.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: What did you say? What did you just say?!
Vinny Gambini: Huh? What did I say?

      --------------------------------

Bill: We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.
Stan: The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters!
[A deputy glares at him]
Stan: Some of them do. 
      --------------------------------

      --------------------------------

Vinny Gambini: It is possible that the two utes...
Judge Chamberlain Haller: ...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Vinny Gambini: Uh... what word?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Two what?
Vinny Gambini: What?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Uh... did you say "utes"?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, two utes.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: What is a ute?
[Beat]
Vinny Gambini: Oh, excuse me, Your Honor...
[exaggerated]
Vinny Gambini: two YOUTHS.

 

 

      --------------------------------

      --------------------------------

[Pierre has a deep French ascent]
Pierre: But luckily for you, I am an honorable man.
Mark: Excuse me, what was that?
Pierre: Honorable!
Mark: What? Onadouble?
[Pierre and Mark continue alternating, saying "Honorable" and "Onudable"]
Mark: I think you're trying to say "honorable"!
Pierre: What do I have to do to shut you up!?! Do I have to hose you down again?
Mark: No! Maybe later.

      --------------------------------

Jesse: Dude, it's a llama!

      --------------------------------

Jesse: Dude, this is an *emergency*!
Chester: So is this. It's a break-dancing stripper emergency!

      --------------------------------

Jesse: I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!

      --------------------------------

      --------------------------------

Jesse: Have you seen my car?
Christie Boner: Yeah.
Jesse: You have?
Christie Boner: Well, I saw the backseat.
Jesse: No, I'm talking about the whole thing.

      --------------------------------

Chester and Jesse: ZOLTAN

      --------------------------------

Birthday Son: I want to go on that ride, Daddy.
Birthday Father: Me, too, Son. Me, too. 
      --------------------------------

Chester and Jesse: Shibby!

      --------------------------------

Chester: Dude, you just touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo.
Jesse: Shibby!
Chester: Low five.

      --------------------------------

[Jesse & Chester's answering machine message]
Jesse: Jesse...
Chester: ...and Chester are shibby at the moment.
Jesse: Please your shibby at the beep.
Jesse & Chester: Shibby.

      --------------------------------

      --------------------------------

Jesse: Wait a second, let's recap. Last night, we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying.
[Chester slaps him]
Jesse: Thanks, dude.

      --------------------------------

Tommy: Stoner-bashin' time!

      --------------------------------

Zarnoff: [introducing the Zoltan cult] My name is Zarnoff. This is Zabu, Zellnor, Zelbor, Zelmina, and, uh, Jeff.
Jeff: Hey.

      --------------------------------

Chester: No

Jesse: Then it isn't a barn!

      --------------------------------
Chester: How wasted were we last night?
Jesse: Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted.

      --------------------------------

Chester: Well, you didn't have to go all egg roll on that speaker box, dude.
Jesse: I'm not the one who called the Dali Lama a fag!

      --------------------------------

Mark: I've been in this cage for 3 years and 5 months and 17 days but who's countin' HAHAHA

      --------------------------------

Mark: E-mail me ok "Freakincage.com" 
      --------------------------------

Jumpsuit Chick #1: First you give us the continuum transfunctioner, then we give you oral pleasure.
Jesse: I've heard that one before... 
      --------------------------------

Pierre: Can I get you guys some beers?
Mark: I'd like a "Near Beer," please.
Pierre: SHUT UP!
[smacks Mark's cage with horsewhip]
Pierre: WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO SHUT YOU UP?!?!

      --------------------------------

      --------------------------------

Jesse: I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place.

      --------------------------------

Mr. Pizzacoli: A trained dolphin could deliver pizzas better than you two!
Jesse: But then the pizzas would get all wet.

      --------------------------------

Jesse: Look, an elephant!
Mr. Pizzacoli: [turning around] What?!!?
Jesse: Sorry, I guess it was just the mailman

      --------------------------------
Chester: Look, a unicorn!
[Mr. Pizzacoli looks]
Mr. Pizzacoli: A unicorn?!!?
Chester: Sorry, I guess it was just a regular horse. 
      --------------------------------

Jumpsuit Chick #1: If you are Jesse and Chester, maybe we will give you erotic pleasure.
Jesse: That's us!
Chester: Right here!

      --------------------------------